After discussion with some of the female readers of this blog it has come to my attention that I need to discuss a few of the automatic elimination rules for the top ten.
Rule #1: Over 31? You can fuggitabout....
Now I am not saying that this is set in stone (see Angelina Jolie), but if you're on the wrong side of 30, you are just cut off. Oh, and if you're on the wrong side of 40, you haven't even been considered (yes, I am talking about Madonna, Gwenyth, Uma, Sharon Stone, et al).
Rule #2: Have a kid? Take a number....
Having a kid is pretty much an ouster from consideration for a whole host of reasons, the first and foremost being that someone's mom, can't really be considered hot (AJ is still the only real exception to that rule, and Britney is definitely looking at a lifetime ban)
Rule #3: You are so unfamous that even the Surreal Life won't put you in their house....
Flava Flav, Brigette Wilson, Uncle Joey, the youngest Brady son, Charo, Corey Feldman, MC Hammer, Ron Jeremy, the first winner of America's Next Top Model.....if she's not making this list, she's not making mine either
Wednesday, April 13, 2005
In response to your Top Ten comments!
Okay first of all, almost every single celebrity suffers once the make up/photoshop is taken away (except of Jessica Alba, but she is like an eclipse/cleavage. George, you can only glance at it, you can't stare, otherwise you'll go blind! Glance and look away!)
Now, Rachel is #6 based on hotness factor from TV/Maxim photos cause it is difficult to argue with what we see every Thursday. Now, I have never had an in person glimpse of Rachel, but let's just remember the catty factor, ahem. Besides, its freaking Summer! Remember her prancing around in that bikini in the immortal "Welcome to the OC, bitch" episode, that's what I thought, #6 it is.
Josie, Kristen, and Shakira definately got honarable mentions, but each had a flaw that they just couldn't overcome to break the top ten. Josie, while super hot, is not really all that famous, and she is so destined for an appearance on the Surreal Life. Plus the whole "dating that pussy David Blaine" thing is a big time strike against her. Next, Kristen was definitely considered for the #10 spot, but Lacey beat her out cause of she had a better pair of, um, "assets" (plus there is the whole, I remember when she was Claudia on Party of Five, and she was just a scray looking kid, I mean she had to get bonus points for bucking the odds in adolesenace, and not turning in a Punky Brewster level let down (breast reduction surgery??? is that against the law???). As for Shakira, I've never been a fan, and its my blog, so it doesn't have to make sense.
Now, Rachel is #6 based on hotness factor from TV/Maxim photos cause it is difficult to argue with what we see every Thursday. Now, I have never had an in person glimpse of Rachel, but let's just remember the catty factor, ahem. Besides, its freaking Summer! Remember her prancing around in that bikini in the immortal "Welcome to the OC, bitch" episode, that's what I thought, #6 it is.
Josie, Kristen, and Shakira definately got honarable mentions, but each had a flaw that they just couldn't overcome to break the top ten. Josie, while super hot, is not really all that famous, and she is so destined for an appearance on the Surreal Life. Plus the whole "dating that pussy David Blaine" thing is a big time strike against her. Next, Kristen was definitely considered for the #10 spot, but Lacey beat her out cause of she had a better pair of, um, "assets" (plus there is the whole, I remember when she was Claudia on Party of Five, and she was just a scray looking kid, I mean she had to get bonus points for bucking the odds in adolesenace, and not turning in a Punky Brewster level let down (breast reduction surgery??? is that against the law???). As for Shakira, I've never been a fan, and its my blog, so it doesn't have to make sense.
Tuesday, April 12, 2005
NFL Draft Random Thoughts
Well the NFL Draft is only 1.5 weeks away, and things are starting to get exciting!
I would talk about the draft overall, but let's be honest, we all only really care about what our teams will be doing (except for me, but I buy draft prospect magazines, so clearly I have problems), so here are my thoughts for what some of your favorite teams are going to be doing:
Arizona Cardinals (Chueeey):
The Cards have #8 overall, and what's that you say? The Cardinals are not picking in the top 5 of the draft, clearly I must be in the Twilight Zone. Arizona desperately needs a RB or CB, so the obvious projection is Cedric Benson or Antrel Rolle. If its Benson, the Cards are going to regret it. Benson has "poor man's Ricky Williams" written all over him. He lacks the ability to seperate once he is into the second level, and he has little less wiggle than a white girl trying to dance to a Trick Daddy song. Plus he is about a 4.6 in the forty, which basically means death in the NFL, no matter what scouts try to convince themselves of based on college "production"
If its Antrel there is hope in the desert since this guy is a definite shutdown corner, considering he put the handcuffs on the Cardinals very own #2 pick from the 2004 draft, Larry Fitzgerald. The only scary part about this pick is that defensive prospects goto to Arizona to die (Andre Wadsworth, Wendel Bryant) or leave in their primes (Simieon Rice).
Minnesota Vikings (Jay):
The Vikings are going to do everything, including scrafice Mike Tice to the Sun God, to make sure that either Mike Williams or Braylon Edwards is going to be there. They better hope that its Braylon because Mike Williams is going to be the next Keyshawn Johnson. Willaims is too slow to seperate, and while he probably has the most incredible hands, he is just a twinkie away from eating himself into being a TE, not a risk I'd like if I was picking #7. As a huge Wolverines fan, I'd love to say that Braylon is going to break the tradition set by Desmond Howard, David Terrell, Marquise Walker, and Amani Toomer, but who am I to go against history. All of this means that the Vikings will have gotten fleeced in the Randy Moss deal, almost at the level of my trading Antonio Brayant and a #1 pick for Randy Moss at the beginning of my Madden franchise.
Tampa Bay Bucs (Richie and Griffin)
The woeful Bucs are sending a lot of smoke up everyone's ass saying that they might take Mike Williams with the #5 pick. This is about as likely the Raptors NOT finding a way to draft Andrew Bogut, which is to say, sadly, not likely at all. The Bucs will be taking Mr. Carnell "Cadillac" Williams based on need, and the fact that Williams has the ablilty to take it to the house everytime he touches it, plus Jon Gruden has a serious hard on for him after the Senior Bowl. It will be a decent pick, not a reach, not amazing value, but everyone will be satisfied, which is distinctly different than being happy, since Williams is not the sort of player that will alter Tampa's destiny which is to have yet another Top 10 pick next season.
More draft thoughts later (if you think the analysis above is negative, wait till you hear what I have to say about my own favorite team the Cowboys...)
I would talk about the draft overall, but let's be honest, we all only really care about what our teams will be doing (except for me, but I buy draft prospect magazines, so clearly I have problems), so here are my thoughts for what some of your favorite teams are going to be doing:
Arizona Cardinals (Chueeey):
The Cards have #8 overall, and what's that you say? The Cardinals are not picking in the top 5 of the draft, clearly I must be in the Twilight Zone. Arizona desperately needs a RB or CB, so the obvious projection is Cedric Benson or Antrel Rolle. If its Benson, the Cards are going to regret it. Benson has "poor man's Ricky Williams" written all over him. He lacks the ability to seperate once he is into the second level, and he has little less wiggle than a white girl trying to dance to a Trick Daddy song. Plus he is about a 4.6 in the forty, which basically means death in the NFL, no matter what scouts try to convince themselves of based on college "production"
If its Antrel there is hope in the desert since this guy is a definite shutdown corner, considering he put the handcuffs on the Cardinals very own #2 pick from the 2004 draft, Larry Fitzgerald. The only scary part about this pick is that defensive prospects goto to Arizona to die (Andre Wadsworth, Wendel Bryant) or leave in their primes (Simieon Rice).
Minnesota Vikings (Jay):
The Vikings are going to do everything, including scrafice Mike Tice to the Sun God, to make sure that either Mike Williams or Braylon Edwards is going to be there. They better hope that its Braylon because Mike Williams is going to be the next Keyshawn Johnson. Willaims is too slow to seperate, and while he probably has the most incredible hands, he is just a twinkie away from eating himself into being a TE, not a risk I'd like if I was picking #7. As a huge Wolverines fan, I'd love to say that Braylon is going to break the tradition set by Desmond Howard, David Terrell, Marquise Walker, and Amani Toomer, but who am I to go against history. All of this means that the Vikings will have gotten fleeced in the Randy Moss deal, almost at the level of my trading Antonio Brayant and a #1 pick for Randy Moss at the beginning of my Madden franchise.
Tampa Bay Bucs (Richie and Griffin)
The woeful Bucs are sending a lot of smoke up everyone's ass saying that they might take Mike Williams with the #5 pick. This is about as likely the Raptors NOT finding a way to draft Andrew Bogut, which is to say, sadly, not likely at all. The Bucs will be taking Mr. Carnell "Cadillac" Williams based on need, and the fact that Williams has the ablilty to take it to the house everytime he touches it, plus Jon Gruden has a serious hard on for him after the Senior Bowl. It will be a decent pick, not a reach, not amazing value, but everyone will be satisfied, which is distinctly different than being happy, since Williams is not the sort of player that will alter Tampa's destiny which is to have yet another Top 10 pick next season.
More draft thoughts later (if you think the analysis above is negative, wait till you hear what I have to say about my own favorite team the Cowboys...)
Inaugural Celebrity Hottie Top Ten
As promised, here is the first Hottie Top Ten to be published. Nothing is set in stone, and things can change very suddenly. The ranking is determined very scientifically based on variables such has, "Q rating " (I don't really know what that means), Number of Leaked Homemade Sex Tapes on the Internet to extend a flagging career (yep, you guessed it, the more tapes the lower the rating!), and many factors that I can't begin to get into because it would be so mind boggling that you would all be rendered helpless mental infants.
So without further delay (reasons for the top 5, after that just the names, like I said, I'm lazy) :
1. Jessica Alba
- C'mon, have you seen Sin City? Hell this is the woman that was able to encourage me to watch "Flipper" on YTV back in 1995, enough said.
2. Natlie Portman
- This is probably going to cause a lot of dissention, but hear me out. Ignore the Star Wars fiascos, forget Beautiful Girls, and just watch Closer. Trust me your opinion will change. Its all about the face.
3. Katie Holmes
- Has fallen off a bit since Dawson's Creek was cancelled, but with Batman Begins coming out on June 17 (mark it down, people) Katie will be making a monumental comeback (if comebacks for people still in their 20's is an appropriate term).
4. Angelina Jolie
- Total MILF here. A little old, but hey everyone just has to respect the hottness. Besides, things probably won't be heading south for her for at least another couple of years.
5. Jessica Simpson
- A little overexposed, and is anyone else excited that Newlyweds is being cancelled? Still, a lot of good "qualities", and I have a feeling she is gonna look pretty good as Daisy Duke. (Damn you Nick Lachey, floor seats to March Maddness and Jessica).
6. Rachel Bilson (mmm, rage blackouts)
7. Eliza Dushku (only reason to watch Tru Calling)
8. Jennifer Love Hewitt
9. Lindsay Lohan (even though she is way too into old guys)
10. Lacey Chabert (Party of Five is like a fine wine, the more the show ages, the more you appreciate it)
So without further delay (reasons for the top 5, after that just the names, like I said, I'm lazy) :
1. Jessica Alba
- C'mon, have you seen Sin City? Hell this is the woman that was able to encourage me to watch "Flipper" on YTV back in 1995, enough said.
2. Natlie Portman
- This is probably going to cause a lot of dissention, but hear me out. Ignore the Star Wars fiascos, forget Beautiful Girls, and just watch Closer. Trust me your opinion will change. Its all about the face.
3. Katie Holmes
- Has fallen off a bit since Dawson's Creek was cancelled, but with Batman Begins coming out on June 17 (mark it down, people) Katie will be making a monumental comeback (if comebacks for people still in their 20's is an appropriate term).
4. Angelina Jolie
- Total MILF here. A little old, but hey everyone just has to respect the hottness. Besides, things probably won't be heading south for her for at least another couple of years.
5. Jessica Simpson
- A little overexposed, and is anyone else excited that Newlyweds is being cancelled? Still, a lot of good "qualities", and I have a feeling she is gonna look pretty good as Daisy Duke. (Damn you Nick Lachey, floor seats to March Maddness and Jessica).
6. Rachel Bilson (mmm, rage blackouts)
7. Eliza Dushku (only reason to watch Tru Calling)
8. Jennifer Love Hewitt
9. Lindsay Lohan (even though she is way too into old guys)
10. Lacey Chabert (Party of Five is like a fine wine, the more the show ages, the more you appreciate it)
Gave into the Blogging Boogie Man
Sigh, I've given into the blogging boogie man, and now my random thoughts will be here for everyone on the net to see. Of course, starting a blog is probably just a natural progression of a person who can never shut up, but in reality this blog is just a byproduct of being "wicked borred" at work (does anyone really find doing tax returns an exhilarting experience?).
Just a quick rundown of what to expect from this blog:
1. I will be talking ALOT about happenings in the sports world. I've always wanted to be a sportswriter, but my atrocious spelling and utter lack of understanding of basic grammer has really held me back, so instead I'll just post to here, so screw you Toronto Star editors. Basically this is going to an internet version of Rome is Burning, AND you don't have to listen to Jim Rome's pointless rants (just mine).
2. Movies, TV shows, Celebrity Gossip, and other random happenings in the world of pop culture will be discussed, Ad Nauseum. You can expect links to interesting sites for movies and celebrity gossip, of course I won't be breaking any celebrity news since I have no connections, live in figid Toronto (not sunny LA), and don't really have any access to anyone remotely interesting at all. Of course general discussions of anything and everything that comes on television (PVR has actually turned me into a TV junkie, not that my TV watching was low before) will be a staple of this blog.
3. Ah yes, the pointless banter. This is where all the random pointless thoughts that pop into my head will find their place to be unleashed onto an unsuspecting world. Discussion about pressing issues such as "How can I effectively plan for Mike Vick's retirement in my Madden 2005 franchise?" and "How on Earth is THAT guy dating that chick" can be totally expected.
4. Hopefully, I will be able to maintain an Oscar's Celebrity Hottie Top Ten, but we'll see about that, updates may be few and far between cause I am pretty lazy.
Just a quick rundown of what to expect from this blog:
1. I will be talking ALOT about happenings in the sports world. I've always wanted to be a sportswriter, but my atrocious spelling and utter lack of understanding of basic grammer has really held me back, so instead I'll just post to here, so screw you Toronto Star editors. Basically this is going to an internet version of Rome is Burning, AND you don't have to listen to Jim Rome's pointless rants (just mine).
2. Movies, TV shows, Celebrity Gossip, and other random happenings in the world of pop culture will be discussed, Ad Nauseum. You can expect links to interesting sites for movies and celebrity gossip, of course I won't be breaking any celebrity news since I have no connections, live in figid Toronto (not sunny LA), and don't really have any access to anyone remotely interesting at all. Of course general discussions of anything and everything that comes on television (PVR has actually turned me into a TV junkie, not that my TV watching was low before) will be a staple of this blog.
3. Ah yes, the pointless banter. This is where all the random pointless thoughts that pop into my head will find their place to be unleashed onto an unsuspecting world. Discussion about pressing issues such as "How can I effectively plan for Mike Vick's retirement in my Madden 2005 franchise?" and "How on Earth is THAT guy dating that chick" can be totally expected.
4. Hopefully, I will be able to maintain an Oscar's Celebrity Hottie Top Ten, but we'll see about that, updates may be few and far between cause I am pretty lazy.
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